Eight.

I had the most amazing experience today and i want to write it down so i can read it again and again.

I went to see a psychic medium this evening for a private reading. We went to a group show last year but did not get any messages through so we booked a private one instead.

In November last year, my sister and some friends had an evening of private readings and received messages from loved ones who had passed. I didn’t have a reading this night but it was still very emotional for me; listening to my friends tales of their loved ones. A friend who we all spent time with in a big group when we were teenagers came through. He passed away in 2013. I had been very upset at the funeral but i feel it was more guilt that we hadn’t kept in touch and we had let life get in the way than a specific personal loss to me. I certainly never stopped caring for him though.

My sister had booked a reading for herself that night. Afterwards she came back to the group and said there had been a message come through for me.

In 2009 i was in a relationship with my first BIG love. I had been in a previous relationship but this was my first true love. Every inch of my heart belonged to him. In September of that year I accidentally fell pregnant and i was completely fucked up about what i should do. I was nineteen. We lived with my parents at my home. I had always been very anti-abortion unless it was for reasons like rape etc. I did not feel like accidentally falling pregnant justified a termination.

For the month before i found out i was pregnant i had been suffering severe pain in my abdomen which went right through to my back. I had NHS24 out twice, multiple emergency appointments and was given loads of different medication. They thought it could be an ulcer in my duodenum or kidney stones or IBS. They didn’t really have a clue. Looking back i have no idea why they didnt do a pregnancy test.

I then found out I was pregnant. Then came the decision. I spoke to my then-boyfriend about it and explained that i didn’t want to abort. He told me that if i kept it he would leave me, that he would hate me and have nothing to do with me or the baby. I cried alot. I felt like i was being torn apart. Thats not giving me an option. Thats giving me an ultimatum. I lay awake at night crying and looking at him, wondering why he didn’t want a baby with me, wondering why he didnt love me enough to stay with me if i kept the baby, wondering how he could be so heartless to want to kill something that i was growing inside me, that was developing fingernails and a heartbeat.

Ultimately, i chose him. I chose to keep the person i already had in my life, who i loved with every ounce of my being. Why would i give up that for someone i don’t know and don’t love like i do him yet? Little did i know he had been cheating on me.

The process of the termination began by taking a tablet at the hospital that began the process. This was a Wednesday afternoon. It was irreversible. No going back. I took it like it was no big deal. I was to come back to the hospital on Friday morning for the second part of the process where i would birth my baby.

That Thursday evening i found out he had been cheating. Not the full extent of his cheating but enough to make me chuck his belongings in a binbag and tell him to leave. I was heartbroken. Not only had i just found out he had cheated but i had started an irreversible process to terminate my baby that i started because it meant getting to keep him in my life, but i wasnt wanting a cheating, lying boyfriend.

Friday morning came and i got the bus to the hospital. He was waiting at the bus stop for me. I told him i did not want him there but he wouldn’t go and i didnt want to create a scene.

I birthed my baby. Friday 30th October 2009. I was 8 weeks gone. I had labour pains. I saw my little egg baby. I never grieved. I pretended that i was not bothered and it didnt phase me. I had to meet my family in town for a lift home. I got made to walk round shops with a NHS nappy in my pants as i bled.

My ex partner and I broke up on Christmas Eve 2009. When i found out the extent of his cheating. When i was at his parents house in England. When i had no way to get home until after the festive season. When i had to endure being around him for a further five days. When my heart broke into a thousand pieces and fell around me as snowflakes whilst i sat in the snow sobbing my heart out.

I have carried the guilt of terminating my baby around with me ever since. I wondered if the baby’s soul felt abandoned and unwanted, that it was all alone in the universe. I never forgave myself.

Fast forward eight years and there is my sister standing infront of me, telling me that a psychic lady has told her that my Granny in heaven has my baby and is caring for it, that my baby isn’t alone. That they are watching over me. How on earth can she know that? I have only just confided in my mum three weeks ago that i had been pregnant. I was shocked, overwhelmed and emotional. Could i forgive myself yet? I was not sure.

Today i went to our private reading with my current partner and his sister. They lost their mum to breast cancer when my partner was only 18 and he has never grieved. He is very skeptical of psychics and doesn’t quite know if he believes or not. This changed today.

The first thing that she picked up on was a baby in heaven for me. She said that its a girl and i have to name her, something to do with stars or night time (i had always liked Luna, after the moon) and that shes my guardian angel. She said that if i hadnt terminated her then we would have both passed away due to complications as it wasnt right to have her and that she forgives me for terminating her. She picked up that i would have been due in May, the fifth month. She said that i have a grandma behind me whos looking out for me and telling me everything is gonna be okay.

How is it possible for two different psychics to know this about me when some of my closest friends and family members dont know?!

My partners mum came through and said first of all that he needs to be careful about his brother who is in jail (which is correct!) as he will never learn from his mistakes and will always be in trouble. She picked up on my partner being easily led and his brother will abuse that so he needs to be very cautious of him. I told her at this point that its funny she said that as i had a dream a few nights ago that he was found to have vegan drugs in his prison cell and he went on the run and was trying to hide out at our flat and i kept saying that it was wrong and he needs to hand himself in and that i didn’t want to be a part of it.

She knew that there was a story behind me and my partner meeting that was unusual (we met online) and he was very persistent which i would have found to be very pestering and that he had to try many times before i gave him a chance (fourth time he messaged me i finally agreed to a date) but it was meant to be.

She told us that his mum says that she is my biggest fan and she is very thankful for me saving my partner and that i will ultimately save his brother too. We all had a laugh when she told us that his mum kept calling him a dickhead but that i need to know that he worships the ground i walk on but he needs to tell me he loves me more often.

She picked up that i have very low confidence and self esteem and that i need to be happy with who i am and how i am and if i am wanting to change anything it needs to be for the right reasons and be done slowly. This was particularly interesting as i am joining slimming world next week in the hopes of losing weight so i dont need to think about going down the surgery route.

She also said that i have to accept i may never be the person i used to be again; that i used to be very fun, spontaneous and bubbly but i am having a hard time coming to terms that that person has gone but i need to accept who i am now and be happy. This was particularly hard to hear as since being diagnosed with IIH i have had a really hard time not being able to do what i used to and i feel like all my sparkle and fizz has gone.

She picked up on my partner moving out his house and into mine but said that around April we will be looking to move into our own place that is ours collectively as opposed to my flat which he stays in.
She also kept asking if im pregnant and saying its going to happen soon and i will have a baby and due to that, it wont be a long engagement we have.

She was able to pick up that my partners mum had breast cancer and it had been misdiagnosed and then her passing was very sudden. She picked up on his sister discussing having a baby girl and that it would have a floral name with their mums name as a middle name, which also worked for my partner as his daughter fron his last relationship has 2 floral names and his mums name as a middle name.

Finally, she also had a message for my partners sisters partner, from his uncle who raised him so was more like a father, who commited suicide via a heroine overdose and he is blaming himself saying it could have been avoided.

The parting message was that their mums sign is rainbows so look out for them in the coming days.

I was pretty overwhelmed by how much she managed to get through – none of which she could have got via searching me or anything. I cried alot and was really happy that their mum said she is so happy i am with him and loves me as I often say to my partner i wonder what she would think of me and if she would like me.

Tonight has completely sealed my faith in the afterlife and that your loved ones never leave you. I look forward to what my dreams bring me tonight.

W.♡