Fourteen.

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. This is my story.
I found out I was expecting on a Thursday – March 8th 2018. I was 5 1/2 weeks gone. I did 3 tests before i believed it. Straight away I felt excited and nervous, like part of a secret club but one i couldnt tell people i was part of. Not yet anyway.

That weekend it was mothers day. I felt excited to be able to celebrate, knowing i was now a mum and i was growing my baby inside me.
I gave my mum a homemade card saying “happy mothers day granny! (to be..again..)” with one of my positive pregnany tests inside. Mum was so confused for a moment, not quite understanding who it was from, until she saw my face, smiling through the tears. Her mouth dropped open and i confirmed our exciting news to her.

Over the next 7 weeks, we spoke about names we would like, the kind of birth i wanted, we looked at nursery furniture for inspiration. We found an immaculate second hand cot going cheap and bought it. I signed up to all the apps and read about how the baby was developing week by week. I got sent free packs with nappies, books, baby wipes and other bits and bobs. We pre ordered a pram and travel set that was going half price. We were excited. I had no reason to think anything was going to go wrong, after all, my mum had 5 healthy babies and i have 5 healthy nieces and nephews. There was no reason for me to think my pregnancy would be any different.

On the morning of April 26th 2018, me and Darren made our way to the hospital for our 12 week scan, as we were walking in i was chatting away about how i wasnt going to get the downs syndrome test because theres a risk of miscarriage. I had no idea that i had already lost the pregnancy.
At the scan, the sonographer was struggling to get a clear view, so she let me go empty my bursting bladder and come back for an internal ultrasound. I was quite carefree and having a laugh with the nurses because i brought the tin foil hat of urine back in to the ultrasound room as i didnt realise i had to put it in the little tubes which were in the bathroom.

As the internal ultrasound was happening, she asked me if i could be wrong about how far along i was. I responded saying if anything, i might be a couple weeks further on due to a strange cycle i had in the January. I explained that it was 7 weeks, to the day, that i had found out i was pregnant, so i assume i must be atleast 8 or 9 weeks along.
She advised that the embryo was only measuring 7 weeks. I didnt really understand the full extent of what that meant but she was quite reassuring, saying it might just be a bad scan and to come back in 2 weeks to check if its grown.
I was confused and getting upset. I cant be only 7 weeks, i have to be further on than that. She was talking about an empty yolk sac. I didnt know what that meant. She gave me an envelope and a follow up appointment and let us go.

I was worrying, panicking. Something wasnt adding up. Darren was trying to reassure me that it will all be okay, but i didnt feel so sure.
I dropped Darren off at work, as planned, and started making my way home.
I stopped in a lay-by and went onto one of the apps i had downloaded that had a community area.
I created a post asking for advice as i wasnt quite sure what everything meant, what were the reasons for the baby only showing 7 weeks? Whats an empty yolk sac?
I started getting responses right away that it sounded like a missed miscarriage. What was that?
I went onto google and read about what a missed miscarriage was. It sounded likely, but i hadnt had any spotting, bleeding or cramps like you would associate with a miscarriage.
I was still sat in the layby. I didnt want to go home yet. Back to the house full of pregnancy books and full of hope and future plans.
I phoned my mum and cried. I phoned my sisters and cried.
I opened the envelope from the hospital to find two leaflets – “coping with miscarriage” and “cremation of pregnancy loss”.

It sank in. The baby was gone yet still inside me. My body continued to think it was pregnant, it kept producing the pregnancy hormones. My body did not understand that the baby had stopped growing. I felt sad for my body, holding onto this pregnancy that wasnt going to make it. I felt betrayed and tricked by my body, why hadnt it realised and showed me a sign that things had taken a bad turn? To not expect good news?

I went and got Darren from work. I needed him with me. I was sobbing and felt completely empty. We went home. The loudness of the silence hit me. I took another pregnancy test – it was still positive.
I finally accepted the truth. I was having a missed miscarriage. The baby had been dead, inside me, for the past 3 weeks. I felt like a failure. I felt angry. I felt suffocating sadness.
I lay in bed crying, listening to Ed Sheeran – Small Bump for hours on end. Eventually around 8pm, i got up and went to the bathroom and noticed i had started bleeding. It was like now i knew what had happened and my mind accepted that it had happened, my body followed suit and started to let go.

Over the following 2 days, i was in labour.
I went to my sisters for comfort the Friday night. She made me tea, hugged me and let me cry. My body was cramping and i was having contractions. I didnt know that this happened with miscarriages – i assumed that you just, shed your pregnancy as it were. I didnt know that the pain would be so intense and it would go on for so long.

It was my nephews 6th birthday on the Saturday, 28th April 2018. He was having a birthday party at his house with some of his friends. I was there, surrounded by my family, my eldest two nieces who knew i had been pregnant and had now lost it, hugging me and telling me they loved me.
I spent alot of the day in the bathroom. It was gory and sad. My pain was intense and my contractions were now 2 minutes apart.
I decided to leave my sisters and head home. I thought it was for the best incase i needed to go to hospital. It took over an hour to drive home, meaning i had over 30 contractions while driving. I gripped the steering wheel tightly and gritted my teeth until i was home.

For the next few hours i kneeled on the floor getting my lower back rubbed. I had heat packs on my front. At 22.31 on 28th April 2018, i passed my pregnancy. It had the same birthday as Sheamus.
I did have to go to the hospital where i was kept in overnight, examined, given strong painkillers and blood tests.

Over the next month, i did everything i could to grieve. I found alot of comfort from miscarriage groups and made friends with other women going through similar experiences to me. I shared my sorrow with family and friends, most who did not know i had been pregnant as its frowned upon to share that you are expecting before the 12 weeks is up. Looking back i wish i had celebrated every minute that i had you growing inside me.

I cancelled the pre order of the pram. I hid the cot and baby books in the cupboard. I didnt want to see them. I wrote a poem expressing my sadness. I made a playlist of songs and cried to all of them. I had further appointments with the hospital and the doctors. I planted a tree at mums house. I gave myself time and showed myself love.

There is such secrecy around miscarriage, people dont talk about it – whether it is due to others feeling awkward that they dont know what to say, the mothers feeling like failures or a number of other reasons, it needs to change.
Miscarriage is one of the most painful, isolating experiences a woman can go through, its gut wrenching and leaves you feeling empty and without a purpose. Let your loved ones in. Let them comfort you. Let them know that miscarriage can and does, happen to anyone. #miscarriageawareness #1in4 #pregnancyloss

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Thirteen.

Im tired. Tired of my brain. Tired of fighting it every day. Tired of it telling me i am not enough. Tired of it making me think im unlovable. Tired of it making situations worse than need be. Tired of it constantly on overdrive thinking and worrying about things outwith my control. Tired of it trying to sabotage any happiness i have in my life. Tired of it ruining my relationships with friends, family, partners. Tired of it feeling like its racing at 100mph all the time and never taking a breather to look at the scenery and take note of its surroundings. Tired of it working against me. Tired of it bringing storm clouds when they werent forecast. Tired of it making me unhappy. Tired of it working on overdrive even when its meant to be relaxing, bringing me bad nightmares that are so vivid and real that i am traumatised the following day by them. Tired of feeling like when my body goes to sleep, my brain climbs into another body and goes on adventures of horror and panic then comes back to me in time for waking up – bringing all the memories from overnight with it to haunt me through the day. I feel i am in constant battle with myself every day and it is exhausting. I want to feel normal. Like i dont have an army at war inside my head every day. That i can wake up in the morning and feel rejuvenated and relaxed. That i dont feel like there is an earthquake happening under my skin that no one else can see. I dont want to feel the sadness creeping out of my brain and running through my body, trying to escape. I want to zap all my sadness away so it cant run, cant survive, and it cant feed on me anymore and it will die. It is like a parasite – sucking all the happiness out of me and leaving me tired and defeated with nothing left. Taking all my nutrients and leaving me with nothing.

I am tired from fighting battles with myself every day. I am tired of fighting the battles.

Twelve.

Three weeks today i got the news that my baby had stopped growing. Twenty one days. My bleeding is finally subsiding. I have continued having bad pains which i thought were cramps from my uterus but have been told that infact i have a bladder infection and i am now on antibiotics. If things weren’t bad enough.

Each day is getting a little easier. I cry a little less. I have had a couple days where i have not cried at all. It doesn’t mean i haven’t thought about it though.

I am slowly getting my life back on track. It’s a big effort but i know that i can only go one of two ways – i either see my friends and remember that i am alive or i bury myself in depression for who knows how long. I have managed to do something each day for the past five days that i am proud of. It may be a simple task like cooking a meal or putting the laundry in to wash, but it is a step in the right direction.

I have alot of unanswered questions about my miscarriage and how the hospital dealt with it. I am considering arranging a meeting to speak to someone and ask my questions, and hopefully get the answers that i need to feel like i can get closure and move forwards.

I am so grateful for my family the past few weeks. They have supported me, cried with me and helped me with anything i need. None of them have had any experience of miscarriage and were as blind as me about how the hospital treats you and how long it goes on for and how painful it is; physically and emotionally. They have made an effort to keep me talking and haven’t been offended when i have snapped at them. They have been sensitive of my feelings and made arrangements to spend time with me.

Me and my partner have a weekend in italy next weekend. It was meant to be a celebration and to make the most of our time we had together before a baby came along. Now it has turned into a weekend away where we will reconnect with eachother and try to enjoy eachothers company. Its not that we haven’t been enjoying spending time with eachother, but we cope very differently. He buries his head in the sand and keeps himself busy. I close down and don’t have the energy and motivation to do anything, and when i do find some and manage to do something i become angry if he doesnt realise how much effort it took me to do it. I am angry at everything just now though. Neither of us mean any harm or to intentionally hurt eachother though, i guess that is what a partner is there for though – to support you emotionally even if it means putting up with your verbal punches through the hard times.

I have made a promise to myself to get back on track when i get back from italy. To get back on my healthy eating journey, to get back swimming, to get back to being myself again and celebrating my life. I refuse to get lost in a future that wasn’t meant to be when i have a future ahead of me that is.

Eleven.

I dont know what to do. How to feel. How to survive. I feel so empty.

I had my confirmation scan today which confirmed theres no pregnancy left inside me. Im so sad. I feel like theres a hole inside me and i dont know how to fill it.

I keep comfort eating and feel like if my mouth and tummy is full then my cries cant escape.

I want to howl and sob and i keep stopping myself cause i know my heart will literally break and i dont have any superglue strong enough to mend it and dont know if i can live through it. I dont know what to do.

Its like being in the worst depression and just being alive feels like too hard a job. If i wasnt breathing automatically i would not bother even breathing. It hurts inside my heart to feel my chest rise because i know my baby never got to feel that.

I can’t face the world. The critical part of me is saying im pathetic and to get over it. That it wasnt even a proper baby. Then the lonely sad part of me gets even more depressed. Its a vicious cycle.

I asked at the hospital today for my scan photo from last week. I wasn’t thinking last week to get one because i thought I’d see my baby again. As far as i understood from what the nurse said when i was there it was probably just that my dates were wrong. It wasn’t until i got home and read the leaflets that i understood.

I phoned the following day to request it. Then again when i spent Saturday-Sunday in the hospital due to my contractions and bleeding being so severe. I asked on the phone on Tuesday and then today when getting the confirmation scan.

The sonographer replied saying they dont give out scans that had stopped growing because its not a baby its just a sac and nothing is there. It is still my pregnancy though. I still had a 12 week pregnancy. It was still my baby. My peanut.

I just want my scan photo to help it all feel real i guess. To have something physical that shows i was pregnant and that my pain is real. Some people think that a baby loss in early pregnancy isnt as hurtful as losing a one year old or your mum or your brother or sister but its all the same. Its still a loss and its not just an empty sac to me. Its the hopes and dreams and the future you planned thats been stolen from you.

It doesnt mean i am going to sit and look at it and cry all the time but it means i have it if i want to look at it. Possibly for when times are sad or i feel hopeless, i can look at it and tell myself if i got through that then i can get through anything. Maybe for if we have babies in the future and i want to show them their little brother or sister. I just want to make it feel real and not let its memory fade.

I might get it and never want to look at it again. I dont know how i will feel about it in the future but atleast i have it if i want it.

I know i am becoming fixated on fighting battles when i really need to just sit and care for myself but i feel like a protective mother goose guarding her eggs, in the blind hope that they’re okay after the cunning fox has eaten them all.

I am fighting for my baby to not be “just another empty sac” thats forgotten about. It was my baby.

“You were carried for only a moment but will be loved for a life time.”

W.♡

Ten.

I sit in the bath remembering
How much things change in a week
For only a few days ago
We couldnt wait for our sneak peek

We had stayed up late questioning
Would you have my ears or his
I imagined your eyes sparkling when you smiled
The softness of your skin i couldnt wait to kiss

We went to the ultrasound room, cosy and dimly lit
I climbed up on the bed, shaking only a little bit
I was excited to see your tiny face, hear your beating heart
But in that second all i felt was my world being torn apart

A silent miscarriage, i got told
My body doesnt even realise
The baby stopped growing weeks ago
My heart breaks as i hear my throat let out its cries

I am angry at my body,
bittersweet in its unacceptance
My grief trickles down my face
You’re our angel now, forever there to protect us

Sobs leave my body as i think about what could have been
I close my eyes and try to sleep
My body feels empty, useless and desolate
I fight my way into dreamland as i continue to weep

I spend three days in labour, with nothing to show at the end
Just contractions and pain and a heart that needs to mend
A miscarriage that was missed, But missed you shall be
The future that never began which stole a part of me

I will think of you on your due date, and shed tears for what never was
I will hang a stocking on the fireplace when expecting santa claus
I will blow out your birthday candles and wish your soul to come back to me
For i will long for you, forever, my little chestnut tree.

Nine.

Empty. Broken. Numb. Bittersweet. Words that describe what i am feeling right now. Words can’t describe what i am feeling right now.

This morning i woke up, 12 weeks pregnant and bursting for a pee that i wasnt allowed to let out yet, ready to go for my first scan and see our baby.

For weeks we have known, have been thinking of baby names, wondering if it will be a boy or a girl, if it will have my nose or his ears, what colour of hair it will have, for everything to come crashing down around me today.

I sat back in the hospital bed in the dimly lit room, expectantly waiting to see our peanut. I felt the pain of my full bladder being squeezed as the ultrasound monitor pressed against my lower abdomen.

“Is there a chance you could be earlier than expected?” the nurse asked. She told me that my baby was only measuring 7 weeks.

My mind is racing. I cant only be 7 weeks. It was about 7 weeks ago i had my positive test.

The nurse asks if we can do an internal ultrasound. She tells me i can empty my bladder first. That sounds like a good plan. I come back, with my urine sample in hand as i know the midwifes need that after the scan is completed. I undress my lower half and get back up on the bed.

Again, she states that its only measuring 7 weeks. That there is a yolk sac but no foetus inside it. She takes some measurements on the computer and then lets me get dressed again. I am fearing the worst. I can feel the lump in my throat forming.

She comes back in smiling, apologising, saying that sometimes you just cant tell whats going on but that i should come back in two weeks for another scan. She asks if i have any questions. My mind is empty. I ask her what the date was 7 weeks ago, she doesnt know. I get my phone and check the calander on it. It was exactly 7 weeks ago to the day that i had my positive test.

I ask her what this means. She says that i am just measuring early but if the scan in two weeks shows no growth then it means something untoward is happening. She explains that the early pregnancy ward is open and what the number is, and that if i experience any bleeding to phone them. We leave with heavy hearts.

How am I meant to feel? I haven’t been told that i have lost my baby. But I haven’t been told that i haven’t lost my baby.

She has given me some leaflets which i open. “Managing miscarriage” and “Cremation of pregnancy loss”. I read through them, confused. Why am i getting these if im just showing earlier than expected.

I read a paragragh which resonates with me.

“A missed miscarriage, also known as a delayed or silent miscarriage, occurs when a foetus dies, but the body does not recognise the pregnancy loss or expel the pregnancy tissue. As a result, the placenta may still continue to release hormones, so the woman may continue to experience signs of pregnancy.

A missed miscarriage is usually diagnosed during a routine checkup, where the doctor will fail to detect a heartbeat. A subsequent ultrasound will show an underdeveloped foetus.”

There was no heartbeat. Just a big black empty looking yolk sac. There was no little baby.

I feel my heart crack. Break. Shatter.

I read on. “If your sonographer thinks you have a missed miscarriage based on your ultrasound, she’ll need to confirm with another scan.”

That is why i am coming back for another scan. Not to check if its grown but to confirm its not growing. To be sure than my baby is dead.

How can i have had a miscarriage when i havent experienced any cramping or bleeding? I have never heard of this type of miscarriage. This means that i have been carrying my dead baby inside me for weeks. My womb has become a tomb. It sounds quite poetic if it wasn’t so heartbreaking.

I have to go through the pain of telling my mum, my sisters, my best friend, that the scan didn’t go well. That it’s bad news. This wasnt how i expected my day to be. I had already thought about the big reveal. I had already room planned the nursery. I had signed up for pregnancy yoga classes. I already had a cot.

I sit and wait for the bleeding to start. No promises that it will. My body has held on to my peanut for the last 5 weeks. It doesn’t want to let go. My body cant comprehend that the baby has died. Why will my body just accept it now and expel the pregnancy when it hasn’t already? Its becoming a reality that i need to think about how i want to remove the dead baby that is inside me. Will the surgical anaesthetic option be the least traumatic for me? Then i won’t need to see my dead baby and birth it like i did with the 2009 termination.

That’s made me think. I always bet myself up and told myself that the baby in 2009 was my chance to be a mum. But i choose someone else over my unborn baby and i had to punish myself, not allow myself to flirt with the idea of having another baby as i didnt deserve it. That my babys soul felt unwanted and unloved.

After seeing the physic medium in January and she told me that my baby forgave me and was safe with my granny looking over me, i started to heal. I started to let myself think maybe i did deserve another chance. Then i found out i was expecting and it was a sign. That the universe did want me to have a baby and that i was deserving of another chance.

Maybe i was wrong. Maybe that is why this has happened.

I can’t think any more. My brain hurts. My heart hurts. My eyes hurt.

W.♡

Eight.

I had the most amazing experience today and i want to write it down so i can read it again and again.

I went to see a psychic medium this evening for a private reading. We went to a group show last year but did not get any messages through so we booked a private one instead.

In November last year, my sister and some friends had an evening of private readings and received messages from loved ones who had passed. I didn’t have a reading this night but it was still very emotional for me; listening to my friends tales of their loved ones. A friend who we all spent time with in a big group when we were teenagers came through. He passed away in 2013. I had been very upset at the funeral but i feel it was more guilt that we hadn’t kept in touch and we had let life get in the way than a specific personal loss to me. I certainly never stopped caring for him though.

My sister had booked a reading for herself that night. Afterwards she came back to the group and said there had been a message come through for me.

In 2009 i was in a relationship with my first BIG love. I had been in a previous relationship but this was my first true love. Every inch of my heart belonged to him. In September of that year I accidentally fell pregnant and i was completely fucked up about what i should do. I was nineteen. We lived with my parents at my home. I had always been very anti-abortion unless it was for reasons like rape etc. I did not feel like accidentally falling pregnant justified a termination.

For the month before i found out i was pregnant i had been suffering severe pain in my abdomen which went right through to my back. I had NHS24 out twice, multiple emergency appointments and was given loads of different medication. They thought it could be an ulcer in my duodenum or kidney stones or IBS. They didn’t really have a clue. Looking back i have no idea why they didnt do a pregnancy test.

I then found out I was pregnant. Then came the decision. I spoke to my then-boyfriend about it and explained that i didn’t want to abort. He told me that if i kept it he would leave me, that he would hate me and have nothing to do with me or the baby. I cried alot. I felt like i was being torn apart. Thats not giving me an option. Thats giving me an ultimatum. I lay awake at night crying and looking at him, wondering why he didn’t want a baby with me, wondering why he didnt love me enough to stay with me if i kept the baby, wondering how he could be so heartless to want to kill something that i was growing inside me, that was developing fingernails and a heartbeat.

Ultimately, i chose him. I chose to keep the person i already had in my life, who i loved with every ounce of my being. Why would i give up that for someone i don’t know and don’t love like i do him yet? Little did i know he had been cheating on me.

The process of the termination began by taking a tablet at the hospital that began the process. This was a Wednesday afternoon. It was irreversible. No going back. I took it like it was no big deal. I was to come back to the hospital on Friday morning for the second part of the process where i would birth my baby.

That Thursday evening i found out he had been cheating. Not the full extent of his cheating but enough to make me chuck his belongings in a binbag and tell him to leave. I was heartbroken. Not only had i just found out he had cheated but i had started an irreversible process to terminate my baby that i started because it meant getting to keep him in my life, but i wasnt wanting a cheating, lying boyfriend.

Friday morning came and i got the bus to the hospital. He was waiting at the bus stop for me. I told him i did not want him there but he wouldn’t go and i didnt want to create a scene.

I birthed my baby. Friday 30th October 2009. I was 8 weeks gone. I had labour pains. I saw my little egg baby. I never grieved. I pretended that i was not bothered and it didnt phase me. I had to meet my family in town for a lift home. I got made to walk round shops with a NHS nappy in my pants as i bled.

My ex partner and I broke up on Christmas Eve 2009. When i found out the extent of his cheating. When i was at his parents house in England. When i had no way to get home until after the festive season. When i had to endure being around him for a further five days. When my heart broke into a thousand pieces and fell around me as snowflakes whilst i sat in the snow sobbing my heart out.

I have carried the guilt of terminating my baby around with me ever since. I wondered if the baby’s soul felt abandoned and unwanted, that it was all alone in the universe. I never forgave myself.

Fast forward eight years and there is my sister standing infront of me, telling me that a psychic lady has told her that my Granny in heaven has my baby and is caring for it, that my baby isn’t alone. That they are watching over me. How on earth can she know that? I have only just confided in my mum three weeks ago that i had been pregnant. I was shocked, overwhelmed and emotional. Could i forgive myself yet? I was not sure.

Today i went to our private reading with my current partner and his sister. They lost their mum to breast cancer when my partner was only 18 and he has never grieved. He is very skeptical of psychics and doesn’t quite know if he believes or not. This changed today.

The first thing that she picked up on was a baby in heaven for me. She said that its a girl and i have to name her, something to do with stars or night time (i had always liked Luna, after the moon) and that shes my guardian angel. She said that if i hadnt terminated her then we would have both passed away due to complications as it wasnt right to have her and that she forgives me for terminating her. She picked up that i would have been due in May, the fifth month. She said that i have a grandma behind me whos looking out for me and telling me everything is gonna be okay.

How is it possible for two different psychics to know this about me when some of my closest friends and family members dont know?!

My partners mum came through and said first of all that he needs to be careful about his brother who is in jail (which is correct!) as he will never learn from his mistakes and will always be in trouble. She picked up on my partner being easily led and his brother will abuse that so he needs to be very cautious of him. I told her at this point that its funny she said that as i had a dream a few nights ago that he was found to have vegan drugs in his prison cell and he went on the run and was trying to hide out at our flat and i kept saying that it was wrong and he needs to hand himself in and that i didn’t want to be a part of it.

She knew that there was a story behind me and my partner meeting that was unusual (we met online) and he was very persistent which i would have found to be very pestering and that he had to try many times before i gave him a chance (fourth time he messaged me i finally agreed to a date) but it was meant to be.

She told us that his mum says that she is my biggest fan and she is very thankful for me saving my partner and that i will ultimately save his brother too. We all had a laugh when she told us that his mum kept calling him a dickhead but that i need to know that he worships the ground i walk on but he needs to tell me he loves me more often.

She picked up that i have very low confidence and self esteem and that i need to be happy with who i am and how i am and if i am wanting to change anything it needs to be for the right reasons and be done slowly. This was particularly interesting as i am joining slimming world next week in the hopes of losing weight so i dont need to think about going down the surgery route.

She also said that i have to accept i may never be the person i used to be again; that i used to be very fun, spontaneous and bubbly but i am having a hard time coming to terms that that person has gone but i need to accept who i am now and be happy. This was particularly hard to hear as since being diagnosed with IIH i have had a really hard time not being able to do what i used to and i feel like all my sparkle and fizz has gone.

She picked up on my partner moving out his house and into mine but said that around April we will be looking to move into our own place that is ours collectively as opposed to my flat which he stays in.
She also kept asking if im pregnant and saying its going to happen soon and i will have a baby and due to that, it wont be a long engagement we have.

She was able to pick up that my partners mum had breast cancer and it had been misdiagnosed and then her passing was very sudden. She picked up on his sister discussing having a baby girl and that it would have a floral name with their mums name as a middle name, which also worked for my partner as his daughter fron his last relationship has 2 floral names and his mums name as a middle name.

Finally, she also had a message for my partners sisters partner, from his uncle who raised him so was more like a father, who commited suicide via a heroine overdose and he is blaming himself saying it could have been avoided.

The parting message was that their mums sign is rainbows so look out for them in the coming days.

I was pretty overwhelmed by how much she managed to get through – none of which she could have got via searching me or anything. I cried alot and was really happy that their mum said she is so happy i am with him and loves me as I often say to my partner i wonder what she would think of me and if she would like me.

Tonight has completely sealed my faith in the afterlife and that your loved ones never leave you. I look forward to what my dreams bring me tonight.

W.♡