Three weeks today i got the news that my baby had stopped growing. Twenty one days. My bleeding is finally subsiding. I have continued having bad pains which i thought were cramps from my uterus but have been told that infact i have a bladder infection and i am now on antibiotics. If things weren’t bad enough.
Each day is getting a little easier. I cry a little less. I have had a couple days where i have not cried at all. It doesn’t mean i haven’t thought about it though.
I am slowly getting my life back on track. It’s a big effort but i know that i can only go one of two ways – i either see my friends and remember that i am alive or i bury myself in depression for who knows how long. I have managed to do something each day for the past five days that i am proud of. It may be a simple task like cooking a meal or putting the laundry in to wash, but it is a step in the right direction.
I have alot of unanswered questions about my miscarriage and how the hospital dealt with it. I am considering arranging a meeting to speak to someone and ask my questions, and hopefully get the answers that i need to feel like i can get closure and move forwards.
I am so grateful for my family the past few weeks. They have supported me, cried with me and helped me with anything i need. None of them have had any experience of miscarriage and were as blind as me about how the hospital treats you and how long it goes on for and how painful it is; physically and emotionally. They have made an effort to keep me talking and haven’t been offended when i have snapped at them. They have been sensitive of my feelings and made arrangements to spend time with me.
Me and my partner have a weekend in italy next weekend. It was meant to be a celebration and to make the most of our time we had together before a baby came along. Now it has turned into a weekend away where we will reconnect with eachother and try to enjoy eachothers company. Its not that we haven’t been enjoying spending time with eachother, but we cope very differently. He buries his head in the sand and keeps himself busy. I close down and don’t have the energy and motivation to do anything, and when i do find some and manage to do something i become angry if he doesnt realise how much effort it took me to do it. I am angry at everything just now though. Neither of us mean any harm or to intentionally hurt eachother though, i guess that is what a partner is there for though – to support you emotionally even if it means putting up with your verbal punches through the hard times.
I have made a promise to myself to get back on track when i get back from italy. To get back on my healthy eating journey, to get back swimming, to get back to being myself again and celebrating my life. I refuse to get lost in a future that wasn’t meant to be when i have a future ahead of me that is.