Five.

A friend asked me yesterday how i am doing. I still do not know how to answer this question. Do i say i am good even though its a lie? Should i be honest and say im having a difficult time? I have always been good at keeping my mask on, even before my diagnosis. Has this made it worse in the long run? That everyone around me expects me to be happy and well all the time? What if part of my healing is to get rid of the mask and be honest with myself and them around me?

I am having a difficult time. When i speak to the doctors they increase my anti-depressants to help me cope, but that doesnt fix the root issue. I’m currently seeing a counsellor about trying to come to terms with how my life has changed due to my illness and try and accept it and move on with my life. They explained its a grief process of the person i used to be and that it is okay to feel sad about it. When people try to tell me to find the positives in life and that i should be thankful it wasn’t a worse outcome I feel angry. As i said in my last post I feel like my legs have been cut off and no one can see it. When i get told “to be thankful it wasn’t worse” i feel like i am being told “well you’ve lost both your legs but atleast you’re not dead”. This does not help me. It’s hard when nothing is getting better. Every day i just get a bit better at tolerating the daily pain and the daily challenges. Its just ‘same shit different day’ all the time. People dont like to hear negative thoughts so i try to not share how i honestly feel with anyone because I do not want to hear the whole “stay positive, things will get better, negative thoughts means negative life” shit.

So what do i do? I isolate myself. Then i feel lonely. Its hard cause some days i just cant find the energy to let people come and visit me and talk to them and try and act happy cause inside I’d much rather just lie in bed in the dark by myself and sleep.

I was told yesterday from my sister that someone who is a mutual friend of ours told her that i shouldn’t post stuff to my facebook about how im feeling or whats going on cause it looks like im looking for sympathy. This really hurt me. I try to keep any posts about IIH or anxiety and depression to a minimum but of course im gonna put stuff on my facebook about whats going on with my life. It’s not for sympathy – its cause its been life changing for me and im trying to deal with it the best i can. If i find an article that explains something well im gonna post it, not just for me but for anyone else having a hard time. I didn’t think anyone i know could be so insensitive and have no compassion towards such a sensitive subject. No wonder there is so much stigma around mental health when you are made to feel so belittled for posting articles which hit the nail on the head with how you feel. No wonder people who, after someone they knew commit suicide, they question why they didn’t see it coming or had no idea how low they were feeling. Its because of this god damn reason of people making you feel like you should not talk about it. I will not delete this person or any others off my facebook because it is not my problem. Its theirs. And if they don’t agree with ending the stigma attached to talking about mental health then they can delete me because i refuse to bow down to what they expect me or anybody else to conform to what they think should be acceptable to talk about on my personal facebook page.

W.♡