Eight.

I had the most amazing experience today and i want to write it down so i can read it again and again.

I went to see a psychic medium this evening for a private reading. We went to a group show last year but did not get any messages through so we booked a private one instead.

In November last year, my sister and some friends had an evening of private readings and received messages from loved ones who had passed. I didn’t have a reading this night but it was still very emotional for me; listening to my friends tales of their loved ones. A friend who we all spent time with in a big group when we were teenagers came through. He passed away in 2013. I had been very upset at the funeral but i feel it was more guilt that we hadn’t kept in touch and we had let life get in the way than a specific personal loss to me. I certainly never stopped caring for him though.

My sister had booked a reading for herself that night. Afterwards she came back to the group and said there had been a message come through for me.

In 2009 i was in a relationship with my first BIG love. I had been in a previous relationship but this was my first true love. Every inch of my heart belonged to him. In September of that year I accidentally fell pregnant and i was completely fucked up about what i should do. I was nineteen. We lived with my parents at my home. I had always been very anti-abortion unless it was for reasons like rape etc. I did not feel like accidentally falling pregnant justified a termination.

For the month before i found out i was pregnant i had been suffering severe pain in my abdomen which went right through to my back. I had NHS24 out twice, multiple emergency appointments and was given loads of different medication. They thought it could be an ulcer in my duodenum or kidney stones or IBS. They didn’t really have a clue. Looking back i have no idea why they didnt do a pregnancy test.

I then found out I was pregnant. Then came the decision. I spoke to my then-boyfriend about it and explained that i didn’t want to abort. He told me that if i kept it he would leave me, that he would hate me and have nothing to do with me or the baby. I cried alot. I felt like i was being torn apart. Thats not giving me an option. Thats giving me an ultimatum. I lay awake at night crying and looking at him, wondering why he didn’t want a baby with me, wondering why he didnt love me enough to stay with me if i kept the baby, wondering how he could be so heartless to want to kill something that i was growing inside me, that was developing fingernails and a heartbeat.

Ultimately, i chose him. I chose to keep the person i already had in my life, who i loved with every ounce of my being. Why would i give up that for someone i don’t know and don’t love like i do him yet? Little did i know he had been cheating on me.

The process of the termination began by taking a tablet at the hospital that began the process. This was a Wednesday afternoon. It was irreversible. No going back. I took it like it was no big deal. I was to come back to the hospital on Friday morning for the second part of the process where i would birth my baby.

That Thursday evening i found out he had been cheating. Not the full extent of his cheating but enough to make me chuck his belongings in a binbag and tell him to leave. I was heartbroken. Not only had i just found out he had cheated but i had started an irreversible process to terminate my baby that i started because it meant getting to keep him in my life, but i wasnt wanting a cheating, lying boyfriend.

Friday morning came and i got the bus to the hospital. He was waiting at the bus stop for me. I told him i did not want him there but he wouldn’t go and i didnt want to create a scene.

I birthed my baby. Friday 30th October 2009. I was 8 weeks gone. I had labour pains. I saw my little egg baby. I never grieved. I pretended that i was not bothered and it didnt phase me. I had to meet my family in town for a lift home. I got made to walk round shops with a NHS nappy in my pants as i bled.

My ex partner and I broke up on Christmas Eve 2009. When i found out the extent of his cheating. When i was at his parents house in England. When i had no way to get home until after the festive season. When i had to endure being around him for a further five days. When my heart broke into a thousand pieces and fell around me as snowflakes whilst i sat in the snow sobbing my heart out.

I have carried the guilt of terminating my baby around with me ever since. I wondered if the baby’s soul felt abandoned and unwanted, that it was all alone in the universe. I never forgave myself.

Fast forward eight years and there is my sister standing infront of me, telling me that a psychic lady has told her that my Granny in heaven has my baby and is caring for it, that my baby isn’t alone. That they are watching over me. How on earth can she know that? I have only just confided in my mum three weeks ago that i had been pregnant. I was shocked, overwhelmed and emotional. Could i forgive myself yet? I was not sure.

Today i went to our private reading with my current partner and his sister. They lost their mum to breast cancer when my partner was only 18 and he has never grieved. He is very skeptical of psychics and doesn’t quite know if he believes or not. This changed today.

The first thing that she picked up on was a baby in heaven for me. She said that its a girl and i have to name her, something to do with stars or night time (i had always liked Luna, after the moon) and that shes my guardian angel. She said that if i hadnt terminated her then we would have both passed away due to complications as it wasnt right to have her and that she forgives me for terminating her. She picked up that i would have been due in May, the fifth month. She said that i have a grandma behind me whos looking out for me and telling me everything is gonna be okay.

How is it possible for two different psychics to know this about me when some of my closest friends and family members dont know?!

My partners mum came through and said first of all that he needs to be careful about his brother who is in jail (which is correct!) as he will never learn from his mistakes and will always be in trouble. She picked up on my partner being easily led and his brother will abuse that so he needs to be very cautious of him. I told her at this point that its funny she said that as i had a dream a few nights ago that he was found to have vegan drugs in his prison cell and he went on the run and was trying to hide out at our flat and i kept saying that it was wrong and he needs to hand himself in and that i didn’t want to be a part of it.

She knew that there was a story behind me and my partner meeting that was unusual (we met online) and he was very persistent which i would have found to be very pestering and that he had to try many times before i gave him a chance (fourth time he messaged me i finally agreed to a date) but it was meant to be.

She told us that his mum says that she is my biggest fan and she is very thankful for me saving my partner and that i will ultimately save his brother too. We all had a laugh when she told us that his mum kept calling him a dickhead but that i need to know that he worships the ground i walk on but he needs to tell me he loves me more often.

She picked up that i have very low confidence and self esteem and that i need to be happy with who i am and how i am and if i am wanting to change anything it needs to be for the right reasons and be done slowly. This was particularly interesting as i am joining slimming world next week in the hopes of losing weight so i dont need to think about going down the surgery route.

She also said that i have to accept i may never be the person i used to be again; that i used to be very fun, spontaneous and bubbly but i am having a hard time coming to terms that that person has gone but i need to accept who i am now and be happy. This was particularly hard to hear as since being diagnosed with IIH i have had a really hard time not being able to do what i used to and i feel like all my sparkle and fizz has gone.

She picked up on my partner moving out his house and into mine but said that around April we will be looking to move into our own place that is ours collectively as opposed to my flat which he stays in.
She also kept asking if im pregnant and saying its going to happen soon and i will have a baby and due to that, it wont be a long engagement we have.

She was able to pick up that my partners mum had breast cancer and it had been misdiagnosed and then her passing was very sudden. She picked up on his sister discussing having a baby girl and that it would have a floral name with their mums name as a middle name, which also worked for my partner as his daughter fron his last relationship has 2 floral names and his mums name as a middle name.

Finally, she also had a message for my partners sisters partner, from his uncle who raised him so was more like a father, who commited suicide via a heroine overdose and he is blaming himself saying it could have been avoided.

The parting message was that their mums sign is rainbows so look out for them in the coming days.

I was pretty overwhelmed by how much she managed to get through – none of which she could have got via searching me or anything. I cried alot and was really happy that their mum said she is so happy i am with him and loves me as I often say to my partner i wonder what she would think of me and if she would like me.

Tonight has completely sealed my faith in the afterlife and that your loved ones never leave you. I look forward to what my dreams bring me tonight.

W.♡

Seven.

2018 is definitely shaping up to be a better year. December was so stressful and i was deep in a depression and i couldn’t see the way out. I pushed myself to my limits making sure i was completing all the tasks i needed to do in order to fix my situation and it paid off. I certainly didn’t have the motivation or desire to fill in the forms and phone 17 different people a day but i very much believe that no one can help you if you are not willing to help yourself.

I got accepted for Employment Support Allowance three days before christmas, which they back-dated to mid-november when my SSP exhausted. That was a massive weight off my shoulders. In the week following New Year i got approved for the higher rate of housing benefit and council tax reduction. It was only £10 a week more but that still helped cover the amount i had to pay. I had also applied for discretionary housing benefit which got accepted in the first two weeks of 2018 which meant i can help pay off the debt i got into paying my november and december rent, and have enough to cover my full January rent.

All positive steps in the right direction that wouldn’t have happened had i not pushed myself.

I had my PIP assessment two days after Christmas. I did not have high hopes that it was going to go well or that i would be accepted for it. I have read stories everywhere i look of people getting denied and having to go through tribunals to get awarded it even if they’re in a wheelchair or have amputated arms so i did not think i would be successful. To my complete amazement, i was accepted first time. It has been such a relief knowing that they have listened to me and examined me properly and treated me as an individual. I know alot of people have issues with DWP and getting benefits but i have never once had a problem with them. They have always been prompt and fair with me.

In other news I got engaged on christmas day! My partner surprised me the morning of with a ring. I was completely shocked and it was so unexpected i ended up crying and then needed a nap as i had exhausted myself getting emotional! He has also booked us a beautiful hot tub hideaway log cabin in February for a weekend which i am thoroughly looking forward to.

I am wanting to write about my sessions recently with my counseller but i am going to keep this post positive and will write about that next time.

Sparkles and love,

W.♡

Six.

I feel so alone inside my head. Emotionally alone. I am being dragged down into a pit of depression and i dont care enough to even try and fight back. I will let it pull me down and swallow me because i do not have the energy to try and stay above.

December. The month of festivity and cheer. Of surrounding yourself with loved ones and feeling content and blessed.
I am wrapped under my covers in my dark bedroom, swamped with darkness both inside my mind and in my physical state.

I have no income. Zero. Ziltch. My SSP finished on the 11th, even though work are trying to say it finished on the 19th November. More phonecalls to explain to people that they are calculating it wrong and how to do it correctly to ensure I get what I am entitled to.
I’m £300 short of affording my rent now without my SSP. Thats before i even manage gas, electric, my car, insurance, petrol, broadband. I cannot get my bills down any lower.
The money I am meant to get through my work – income protection insurance – denied my claim due to them not actually taking into consideration all of the information. That should have been getting paid to me since 30th october. Before my SSP ran out. Before i ended up in this situation. This has meant delays and having to write appeal letters.

I applied for two different benefits 6-8 weeks ago and now they’ve asked me to go for face to face assessments. I advised i don’t have any money to get there. I cant afford the petrol or a bus or taxi fare. I can’t get help with transport costs until i have been accepted for the benefit. The chance of that happening first time is very slim. I will need to appeal the decision and ask for a mandatory reconsideration. Further delays in getting any help with my income.

If i had been accepted by now, i would be getting cold weather payments for the last week of sub-zero temperatures to help with my heating costs. But i havent so i cant afford to turn my heating on. I will stay under my covers instead. Did you know that the medication I’m on for my IIH is a diuretic? That IIH is a neurological condition? That people who have neurological conditions or who are on diuretics suffer more in the cold and struggle to keep warm? Maybe i should get my hat and gloves whilst i stay in bed.

Christmas. The time of year to be with the ones that you love. I can’t get there. I have no money for travel expenses. I very much doubt anyone will come and visit me. I dont have any money to get a nice christmas dinner or a nice cosy house.

How am i meant to keep my head above ground when this is my reality? How am i meant to keep fighting when all my energy gets used up trying to just keep myself alive?
I am now having to cancel my hospital appointments as i cannot afford to get to them. That’s not going to improve my situation in any way.
What am i meant to do? For now i will bury myself in my depression and try to find hope.

W.♡

Five.

A friend asked me yesterday how i am doing. I still do not know how to answer this question. Do i say i am good even though its a lie? Should i be honest and say im having a difficult time? I have always been good at keeping my mask on, even before my diagnosis. Has this made it worse in the long run? That everyone around me expects me to be happy and well all the time? What if part of my healing is to get rid of the mask and be honest with myself and them around me?

I am having a difficult time. When i speak to the doctors they increase my anti-depressants to help me cope, but that doesnt fix the root issue. I’m currently seeing a counsellor about trying to come to terms with how my life has changed due to my illness and try and accept it and move on with my life. They explained its a grief process of the person i used to be and that it is okay to feel sad about it. When people try to tell me to find the positives in life and that i should be thankful it wasn’t a worse outcome I feel angry. As i said in my last post I feel like my legs have been cut off and no one can see it. When i get told “to be thankful it wasn’t worse” i feel like i am being told “well you’ve lost both your legs but atleast you’re not dead”. This does not help me. It’s hard when nothing is getting better. Every day i just get a bit better at tolerating the daily pain and the daily challenges. Its just ‘same shit different day’ all the time. People dont like to hear negative thoughts so i try to not share how i honestly feel with anyone because I do not want to hear the whole “stay positive, things will get better, negative thoughts means negative life” shit.

So what do i do? I isolate myself. Then i feel lonely. Its hard cause some days i just cant find the energy to let people come and visit me and talk to them and try and act happy cause inside I’d much rather just lie in bed in the dark by myself and sleep.

I was told yesterday from my sister that someone who is a mutual friend of ours told her that i shouldn’t post stuff to my facebook about how im feeling or whats going on cause it looks like im looking for sympathy. This really hurt me. I try to keep any posts about IIH or anxiety and depression to a minimum but of course im gonna put stuff on my facebook about whats going on with my life. It’s not for sympathy – its cause its been life changing for me and im trying to deal with it the best i can. If i find an article that explains something well im gonna post it, not just for me but for anyone else having a hard time. I didn’t think anyone i know could be so insensitive and have no compassion towards such a sensitive subject. No wonder there is so much stigma around mental health when you are made to feel so belittled for posting articles which hit the nail on the head with how you feel. No wonder people who, after someone they knew commit suicide, they question why they didn’t see it coming or had no idea how low they were feeling. Its because of this god damn reason of people making you feel like you should not talk about it. I will not delete this person or any others off my facebook because it is not my problem. Its theirs. And if they don’t agree with ending the stigma attached to talking about mental health then they can delete me because i refuse to bow down to what they expect me or anybody else to conform to what they think should be acceptable to talk about on my personal facebook page.

W.♡

Four.

A friend on facebook wrote some beautiful words to me today. I have not seen her in about 10 years and we aren’t very close but she has made my heart swell. Below is the comment she wrote me:

“Think of the amount of people you’ve brought together. You were the catalyst to the start of my independence; you gave me friends and day trips, you gave me adventure and rebellion. You have touched so many lives it’s unreal and I know everyone who has met you can’t believe how wonderful you are. Thank you for being in my life you beautiful soul.”

I replied back stating i feel very lonely and slightly forgotten about which was ironic considering her words. Her following comment is below:

“You can never be alone when you’re loved like you are. I’m also very lonely. Not just because I don’t have many tangible connections anymore but because I find it really hard to make friends since becoming a mother and having a physical and mental disability has been challenging to come to terms with. I try to ignore it and I don’t know how to talk about it. How are you getting on? Is your health picking up a little at least?”.

I am currently overwhelmed with feelings of love and sadness at the same time. I also have physical and mental disabilities which im finding it very hard to accept. Mentally i have known for a long time i have issues but im only seeking the proper help now which is emotionally exhausting and very challenging but i accept i need to do it to heal.

Physically i cant accept it. Intracranial Hypertension is an invisbile disability so even i myself find it hard to accept i have a disability now cause i cant see it with my own eyes like when i had crutches. I dont want to accept i have a condition thats gonna be with me for life and i cant talk about it without getting upset because its affecting my life so much. I feel trapped in my own body and nobody understands. I feel like i cant talk about it cause people then think im looking for sympathy or being self pitying so i end up just not talking about it, but it is like i have had my legs amputated off its just that no one can see. To me i have this massive loss i have to come to terms with. I am struggling and i am helpless. My physical health is affecting my mental health and i dont know what to do except try and not let my sadness make its way to the surface. I feel lost inside my own mind.

W.♡

Three.

My diagnosis journey. Where you realise that your whole life changes in the blink of an eye. How one day you can be thousands of miles away from home, sunning yourself at your private swimming pool at the villa on your first proper holiday abroad, listening to cheesy eighties ballads up loud on a bluetooth speaker and tipping your boyfriend off the crappy €5 lilo you got at the Spar into the water, no cares in the world, then the next day, back in Scotland driving along the M8 when you suddenly get severe head and neck pains and think nothing of it but over the next 3 weeks your whole life gets turned upside down. This is my story.

I went to Majorca for a weeks holiday, 15th to 22nd April 2017. I had been having a pretty tough year so far already so this was my thing to look forward to, my light at the end of the tunnel.

On our first full day there, Sunday 16th (Easter Sunday), I found out that mosquitos really like me and it turns out i dont like them, as i had a pretty severe allergic reaction to their bites and had to go get an injection (some sort of steroid called celestone chronodose) and a topical steroid cream from a doctor to stop the reaction. That done i was on my way back to continue enjoying myself.

Monday 17th and Tuesday 18th were amazing, a dream come true. We found some nice hidden beaches that weren’t typical tourist hotspots and went swimming in beautiful crystal clear waters, gazed over the turquoise sea and lay on white sandy beaches, cliff jumped into the water and all round had the most fantastic time ever. I did get pretty severe sunburn but it never blistered or anything so i just coated myself in aloe vera aftersun and kept myself covered and in shade for the next two days.

On Saturday 22nd April we got back to Scotland and headed home. This was the day i started to get a really bad headache – worse than any normal headache and a stiff neck. I originally thought maybe i had slept in a strange position the night before or maybe sat at a crooked angle on the plane but my head pain was slowly increasing as the afternoon went on. I thought it may be to do with the allergic reaction to the mosquito bites so i spoke to NHS24 who said to try paracetamol and see my GP if its not gone after 48 hours. By Tuesday 25th my headache was still there so i made an emergency appointment with a GP who checked my blood pressure, my temperature, my eyes and ears, all of which was normal and I got prescribed asprin and advised to give that a few days to see if that helps. Over the following days i started off at the low prescribed dose and gradually increased the dose of asprin to see if any dose would take the edge off the pain, but it didn’t. I went to see my GP on Friday 28th April who again checked me over and prescibed me a migraine tablet. At this point i was 7 days into my constant headache that felt like it was going to make my head explode. I was dizzy and felt sick. My neck was stiff. My vision was going blurry and i was struggling to focus as i had black spots on everything i tried to focus on. I woke up one morning and opened my eyes to complete darkness for ten seconds. I could hear my blood rushing in my ears. I couldnt lie down without my head feeling like it was going to burst. I often slept sitting up on the sofa. I bought a memory foam luxury neck travel cushion to support my neck incase i was causing this pain myself. I had to put my socks on by bending my knee sideways so my foot was level with my knee cause i couldnt bend forward as it felt like my brain was going to fall out my skull. If i sneezed i was worried incase i would cause a nose bleed or one of my eyeballs would pop out. I was constantly anxious of what was wrong with me. The doctors so far could not find a reason for the headaches.

On Friday evening i started to get worse. My headache was becoming sorer and sorer, my neck more stiff and the painkillers weren’t helping at all. I was constantly dizzy. It was my nephews birthday party the following day and I had promised him a stay over at mine followed by a trip to the safari park so i gritted my teeth and soldiered on, after all, it’s only a headache, right?

I shouldn’t have pushed myself through it.

On Monday the 1st May, the 10th day of my constant headache, i was now unable to move my neck at all. Not even one centimetre either way. I phoned NHS24, had to ask a friend from work to come and take me to an out of hours appointment as i couldnt drive due to not being able to move my neck at all and saw another GP who literally told me to go to sleep and prescibed me some codine, then told me to go to specsavers as i hadn’t had my eyes checked for a few years. She didnt seem to listen when i said that my eyesight has always been perfect up until 10 days ago.

On Tuesday 2nd May, i made an emergency appointment with my own GP and said something needed done. I practically refused to leave the room until he sent me to hospital. I was referred to the Clinical Assessment Unit and an hour later i was in a gown getting my bloods taken.

Over the next three days i had numerous different consultations with different doctors, countless amounts of blood taken, a CT scan, an MRI scan and a lumbar puncture. The lumbar puncture (3rd time lucky as they couldnt find my spinal fluid so i have 3 nice puncture holes in my back) was done backwards as the anaesthetists had to do the procedure so the spinal fluid samples were taken before the pressure reading was taken but my closing pressure was 22. They ruled out blood clots on the brain, tumours, meningitis and any other nasty diseases. I was given an initial diagnosis of Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension, which was to be confirmed after my eyes had been checked.

In my MRI scan they saw a marker called “empty sella” which, as far as i understand is an indicator that there is high pressure in the skull which is pressing down on the pituitary gland which makes it look smaller than it should be. In the blood tests they did they also noticed that my stress hormone (cortisone) was slightly lower than it should be so i had to go back for further tests regarding this two weeks later. These tests came back normal.

On the third day of tests in hospital i went to an eye clinic as my optic nerves and discs behind my eyes were swollen and inflamed – a condition called Papilledema. I had a haemorrhage in both of my optic discs which was caused by the high fluid pressure inside my skull which was causing the vision issues. My IIH diagnosis was confirmed. I was given a prescription to start me on medication to help stop this condition from damaging my eyes any more and to try and reverse the damage already done to my eyes.

It had been a scary week. I was in pain. My back was agony from the lumbar puncture. I woke up the following day from it unable to move the bottom half of my body. My hip had seized up. I wasn’t sure if it was internal bruising from the doctors pressing so hard looking for my hip bone repeatedly or if the pain was normal after a lumbar puncture, or if something had gone wrong and perhaps a nerve had been touched while the procedure was taking place. All i knew was that it was 6am and i was panicking and crying because i couldnt even adjust myself in bed to a different position without excruciating pain.

Was this going to be my life now? Am i going to end up blind? If these little pills dont help, will i never be able to see my beautiful nieces and nephews faces again? Will i never be able to drive again? Am i going to be disabled for life? All these questions were running through my mind and i had nothing to distract me from them.

Distraction has always been my coping mechanism. I will throw myself into work, happily doing 12 hour shifts so i am too mentally exhausted to think about my own personal life after work. My days off I would get up and leave the house to visit friends or family for the day (or two or three…) to keep me busy. I liked being alone, i like my own space to recharge my batteries, but i do not like my own company. I do not like to let myself get lost in my own mind. I find paths i dont recognise which lead me to intriguing caves full of darkness which suck me in and i cant escape. I find myself in these caves at night often, in my dreams, but thats a story for another day.

Since my diagnosis I had my first appointment with my neurologist. She seems pretty great and very helpful. She has taken the time to answer all my questions and explain everything thoroughly to me so i understand. My medication has been doubled and a new type of pill introduced as well which i am struggling with the side effects of. I am hoping as my body becomes more used to the medication the side effects will become more tolerable.

I am finding it very hard to come to terms with the fact i now have this condition. This illness. This disability. A brain tumour without the tumour. I’m not in a wheelchair or limping so its not easy for people to see that i am not well. They will not see me falling over in the privacy of my house though. Slipping in the shower cause i am dizzy and unbalanced. Falling up the kerb because i can’t judge how close the ground is to me. Falling against the wall and cutting my hand on the pebbles. The shortness of breath that comes with my medication where i am breathless from trying to even change a bed sheet. The forgetfulness that comes with this condition. Permanent brain fog. The anxiety that comes with that. The embarrassment i feel when i can’t speak properly. And the pain that i cope with each day, that painkillers do not help with. From morning to night i have constant pain. But I will be judged. Called lazy. A faker. A scammer. I felt their eyes upon me last week when i had to hand in forms relating to a benefit claim (which i am not entitled to but thats also something for another day) at the Jobcentre, i walked in there with two functioning legs. I didnt have crutches or walking aids or a carer. I could feel them all judging me because i didnt look sick enough.

I am scared. Scared of myself. Scared incase i hurt myself. Scared incase i hurt someone else. Scared because i have no control over what is happening to me.

Today my sister said to me that a caterpillar has to fully break down in order to transform into a butterfly and that this is my transformation. That even though it feels to me that my mind and body is broken just now, it has to do that in order to become the butterfly. Its funny because yesterday when i set up this blog, i was looking for a suitable picture and i originally chose one that said “Perhaps the butterfly is proof that you can go through a great deal of darkness yet become something beautiful”. There is nothing stronger in this life than the connection between two people who love and care deeply for one another. Perhaps her choice of analogy today after me choosing that particular picture yesterday, without her knowledge, is proof of this.

W.♡

Two.

Today i feel like crying. I dont have a specific reason why, nothing has plucked my heartstrings or upset me. But i can feel it. The lump in my throat, like a bubble of emotions trying to escape that i keep swallowing to stop from coming out, for fear of how it will sound. The prickly, tingly feeling i get in the tip of my nose, warning me that tears are about to overflow their dam. My body knows by now that once that dam has burst its banks, it will leak for the rest of the day.

Its tiring being emotional. Its tiring trying to resist giving in to my body and letting myself shed these tears, as i know it may cleanse my soul but i will feel even more emotionally drained afterwards than i do just now. Its a battle every day. Will i use more energy holding up the wall to protect my village from flooding or should i let my village flood and use my energy to repair the damage afterwards? What is the better choice in the long run?

I seem to be much more emotional these days than i used to be, which is saying something as i have always been very empathetic and sensitive, but since my diagnosis and the daily use of multiple types of medication to manage it, it seems to be a daily occurrence that something makes me cry – good or sad tears. I am unsure if it’s a symptom of my condition or a side effect from the medication, all i know is that its tiring.

W.♡

One.

Why did i decide to start a blog?

I was recently diagnosed with IIH (Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension) and i have decided to start a blog to have a place to write down my feelings and hopefully help others in my situation not feel alone in their journey. I also suffer with depression and anxiety and I am currently attending sessions with a clinical psychologist therefore feel like this is a good way of helping make sense of the emotions I am feeling.

I have currently been signed off work going on three months now and to help pass the time with my recovery i have been enjoying cooking and baking (my profession for 6 years which i gave up in 2015 to follow a different career path) and small decorative home improvements.

In my blog i plan on sharing small pieces of writing about my diagnosis, how i am feeling, what i have been doing, personal accomplishments and anything else i feel i want to share.

Peace and love,

W.♡