Im tired. Tired of my brain. Tired of fighting it every day. Tired of it telling me i am not enough. Tired of it making me think im unlovable. Tired of it making situations worse than need be. Tired of it constantly on overdrive thinking and worrying about things outwith my control. Tired of it trying to sabotage any happiness i have in my life. Tired of it ruining my relationships with friends, family, partners. Tired of it feeling like its racing at 100mph all the time and never taking a breather to look at the scenery and take note of its surroundings. Tired of it working against me. Tired of it bringing storm clouds when they werent forecast. Tired of it making me unhappy. Tired of it working on overdrive even when its meant to be relaxing, bringing me bad nightmares that are so vivid and real that i am traumatised the following day by them. Tired of feeling like when my body goes to sleep, my brain climbs into another body and goes on adventures of horror and panic then comes back to me in time for waking up – bringing all the memories from overnight with it to haunt me through the day. I feel i am in constant battle with myself every day and it is exhausting. I want to feel normal. Like i dont have an army at war inside my head every day. That i can wake up in the morning and feel rejuvenated and relaxed. That i dont feel like there is an earthquake happening under my skin that no one else can see. I dont want to feel the sadness creeping out of my brain and running through my body, trying to escape. I want to zap all my sadness away so it cant run, cant survive, and it cant feed on me anymore and it will die. It is like a parasite – sucking all the happiness out of me and leaving me tired and defeated with nothing left. Taking all my nutrients and leaving me with nothing.
I am tired from fighting battles with myself every day. I am tired of fighting the battles.